Parenting 1

This weekend at Gateway Baptist church we are teaching on Parenting. I felt the greatest thing to begin with is - what we spoke on last weekend - Marriage. This is the key to parenting well. I am the product of a divorced home and even 35 years later live out of that. Praise God for His healing power to heal and redeem. I am grateful for all that God is going in my family and how he helps me in marriage. HOWEVER there is a cost.

Below is a vital interview for our culture from Judith Wallenstein who has studied our Divorce culture. Read or watch online:
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/conversation/july-dec00/wallerstein_12-19.htm



ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: One-quarter of the adults in this country under the age of 44 are children of divorce. A new book, "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," by Judith Wallerstein, Julia Louis, and Sandra Blakesly, explores how divorce continues to shape the lives of young people, even after they reach full adulthood. The book builds on therapist Judith Wallerstein's 30-year study of 131 children and adolescents from 60 divorcing families in Marin County, just North of San Francisco. Wallerstein is the founder of the Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition.

You've been looking at these kids-- and now adults-- for 30 years. What's the legacy now that they're adults of divorce?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: The legacy-- and it's a very surprising legacy to me, but I think it's one that has really hit a chord throughout this country-- is that the major impact of divorce is not, as we thought, at the time of the breakup, although that's very hard, but the major impact of divorce happens when they enter young adulthood and they... when the man/woman situation, man/woman relationship moves center stage, and that's when the ghosts of the parent's divorce rise from the basement.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: So you really learned a lot about not only what happens to them as adults, but looking back, you learned more even about what they had suffered as kids when you talked to them now, right?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I learned a lot. But I learned it in many ways. I knew them as children, so when they described their childhood memories, I could check with what I knew and remembered. And I happened to remember everything they told me-- although sometimes I can't remember what I did yesterday. But when they talked about having children, they all... Many of them said, in a surprising number, "I wouldn't want any child of mine to have my childhood," which was one of the most telling statements they made.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Many of them felt they had no childhood after the divorce, right?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: They really felt they had sacrificed their playtime, their childhood friendships. They had to spend a lot of time going back and forth from mother's house to father's house. They wanted to see their parents, but they wanted to see their friends, and they wanted to participate in the activities of the playground, and so on. And they did feel that they sacrificed a lot to their parent's divorce.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: So what is it that you most notice and know about them as adults that this divorce led to?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: They have a lot of trouble in believing that they can love somebody, or that somebody is going to love them, and that it's going to be a relationship that's going to last. And they're very convinced that they're going to go down the same path, and that their relationships are going to fail, and they say so very openly. One young woman says, "you can hope for love, but you can't expect it." Another: "Any relationship I'm in, I know I'm going to jinx; any relationship, any family I would be in would be a failure."

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: And this time, you had another group you looked at, people now adults who had lived through maybe difficult times, but their families didn't divorce. What did you find? What differences did you find?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Oh, I found striking differences that I didn't expect: That these young people, many of whom lived across the street and were friends of the people who participated in the study, when they reached adulthood, they had some templates, some internal images about what marriage was about, that marriage has its ups and downs; that it's a serious business. And they said, you know, "my dad told me anything that's worth having is worth fighting for." And they knew how people related to each other. And when they went looking for partners, they got into affairs, they got into all kinds of issues. I mean, it's an anxious time for everybody in our society. But they had in their minds what a marriage is about, and they didn't have the conviction that -- this is so tragic -- that their relationships would fail.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Mm-hmm. Why did this surprise you? I would think it would be fairly obvious, that if your parents are divorced, you might expect that you would be... have the same bad luck.

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Because what we all believe now in America-- and all of our resources have gone into this-- that it's the breakup that matters. And we tell parents-- attorneys tell them, mental health people tell them-- that if you can settle your problems between you with civility, if you can settle the financial affairs with some justice, and if the child will continue to have contact with both parents, the child is home free. That's what we say, and that's what we've been believing. And I have to confess, I've contributed to that, because my work has shown that it is an upset for the children at the time. But I didn't expect that the greatest upset -- I'm talking now about divorce as a cumulative experience-- that the greatest impact would be in their 20s and in their 30s; that's scary.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: I found the book a devastating critique of divorce. Some people out there listening might be thinking, well, this is so hard on people that are children of divorce, but I have to get a divorce; there's something in my marriage that makes it necessary. What do you say to those people?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I'm not taking a stand against divorce. I'm saying nobody from the outside can quantify the suffering of any man or any woman. But I am saying, and I show in my book, that a number of people who were disappointed in the marriage and disappointed in each other but found parenting rewarding-- not that they were martyrs, but that the parenting was rewarding and were able to do it together-- that their children felt protected and nurtured, and the children in the divorced families felt somehow exposed.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Is your group... Marin County is a wealthy county, one of the wealthiest counties in the country, and your group is all from Marin County -- can you really draw conclusions that work for the whole country based on your sample?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: My group represents divorce under the best circumstances. I chose youngsters who were psychologically sturdy. They weren't in any trouble before the breakup. Their parents are well-educated, and they didn't...there was nobody on welfare, there was nobody who really suffered poverty, like many, many families do after the breakup. And so, I think I was able to see the psychological impact with great clarity. Does this apply to all families in America? Nothing applies to all families in America. But so far, every one of my findings has held up with large studies, and that's a record of 30 years.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: What do you say to that person out there listening who does feel it's most necessary to get a divorce? What do you say that might help limit these really negative consequences?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Well, there are a lot of myths I think are unfortunate. Many parents are told that if you're unhappy, the child is unhappy. A child is not a mirror of a parent. A child has a stance of his own, and many children... most children, when there's a divorce, are very surprised by the parents' action. So my first message is, don't jump, stand still. Get whatever help you need. There are many situations where divorce is the best choice, but there are many more where it isn't. And it's hard for me to believe that 45% of marriages are so bad that they really need to divorce, and that's what's happening in this country.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: And then what? If you do decide you have to get one, what can make the situation better?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I think parents have to realize they're in it for the long haul; that their children are going to need their help in separating their fates from the fates of their parents; that the parents need to say, our marriage is not representative. They can go out of their way perhaps to enlist the help of grandparents or other members of the family or friends who have good marriages, because these young people grew up with the sense that they had never seen a man or a woman on the same beam, to use their language, and they didn't... weren't sure that that existed anywhere.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: What's at stake here for the nation as a whole?

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I think the nature of our society, I think we are very fortunate that this is not a very cynical group. These are young people who want love, they want marriage, they want lasting relationships. A lot of them are staying single. A huge number are staying single. These are national statistics, and these are mine. Second divorces are higher than first divorces. And if we can come to some consensus that we need a protection to bring up children, then we have to in some way reverse direction.

ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Well, Judith Wallerstein, thanks for being with us.

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Thank you.

PRAYER ENGINE FOR GATEWAY

Its hard to be a prayerless pastor - its also hard to be a prayerful pastor, but I am committed to being the latter. We know there will be no breakthrough without it, personally or corporately. We want to see a great move of God in our city in our lifetime. It is great to see the small signs in our midst - keep watch and pray.

Here is a helpful resource from my wife's favorite author - Andrew Murray.

CONQUERING PRAYERLESSNESS
By Dr. Andrew Murray
The greatest stumbling block in the way of victory over prayerlessness is the secret feeling that we shallnever obtain the blessing of being delivered from it. Often have we put forth effort in this direction, but invain. Old habit, and the power of the flesh, our surroundings with their attractions, have been too strong forus. What good is it to attempt that which our heart assures us is out of our reach?
The change needed in the entire life is too great and difficult. If the question is put: “Is a change possible?

Our sighing heart says: “Alas, for me it is entirely impossible!” Do you know why that reply comes? It is simply because you have received the call to prayer as the voice of Moses and as a command of the law. Moses and his law have never yet given any one the power to obey. Do you really long for the courage to believe that deliverance from a prayerless life is possible for you, and
may become a reality? Then you must learn the great lesson that such a deliverance is included in the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, that it is one of the blessings of the New Covenant which God Himself will impart to you through Christ Jesus.
As you begin to understand this, you will find that the exhortation, “Pray without ceasing,” conveys a new meaning. Hope begins to spring up in your heart, that the Spirit – who has been bestowed on you, to cry constantly, “Abba, Father” – will make a true life of prayer possible for you. Then you will hearken, not in the spirit of discouragement, but in the gladness of hope, to the voice that calls you to repentance.
Many a one has turned to his Inner Chamber, under bitter self-accusation that he has prayed so little, and has resolved for the future to live in a different manner. Yet no blessing has come – there was not the strength to continue faithful, and the call to repentance had no power, because his eyes had not been fixed on the Lord Jesus. If he had only understood, he would have said, “Lord, Thou seest how cold and dark my
heart is. I know that I must pray, but I feel I cannot do so, I lack the urgency and desire to pray.”

He did not know that at that moment the Lord Jesus in His tender love was looking down upon Him and saying “You cannot pray; you feel that all is cold and dark; why not give yourself over into My hands? Only believe that I am ready to help you in prayer; I long greatly to shed abroad My love in your heart, so that you, in the consciousness of weakness, may confidently rely on Me to bestow the grace of prayer: Just
as I will cleanse you from all other sins, so also will I deliver from the sin of prayerlessness – only do not seek the victory in your own strength. Bow before Me as one who expects everything from his Saviour.
Let your soul keep silence before Me, however sad you feel your state to be. Be assured of this – I will teach you how to pray.”

Many a one will acknowledge: “I see my mistake; I had not thought that the Lord Jesus must deliver and cleanse me from this sin also. I had not understood that He was with me every day in the Inner Chamber, in His great love ready to keep and bless me, however sinful and guilty I felt myself to be. I had not supposed that just as He will give all other grace in answer to prayer, so, above all and before all, He will
bestow the grace of a praying heart.

What folly to think that all other blessings must come from Him, but that prayer whereon everything else depends, must be obtained by personal effort! Thank God I begin to comprehend – the Lord Jesus is Himself in the Inner Chamber watching over me, and holding Himself responsible to teach me how to approach the Father. This only He demands – that I, with child-like confidence, wait upon Him and glorify
Him.”

If fear and hesitation still remain, I pray you by the mercies of God in Jesus Christ, and by the unspeakable faithfulness of His tender love, dare to cast yourselves at His feet. Only believe with your whole heart – there is deliverance from the sin of prayerlessness. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to
forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). In His blood and grace there is complete deliverance from all unrighteousness, and from all prayerlessness. Praised be His Name forever! Rev. Andrew Murray, in The Prayer-Life (1920)

ACTS 29 - Story of Gateway

Sept. 11 - 2011 At Gateway we read the following - several asked for a copy..


Sometime thereafter… the good news of Jesus had spread to many lands and great multitudes of people of all nations had come to know him.

Eventually that Good News came unto an island far off from the city of Antioch, in the Sea of the Pacific. Yea and verily, there were in that city many great flower baskets and much beauty, which attracted large numbers of Cruise ships!

In that garden city, were various religions and idols of many kinds, which had blinded the populace to God’s truth. Some of the inhabitants worshipped their dwellings and their surrounding property; others worshipped the beauty of their Island, often at the shrine of Butchart. “Aphrodite” the goddess of sex held power over many., and low, some worshipped themselves or the goddess - Oprah…. The delusion of living, when actually only existing, was upon the land.

There were however in that city, a small band of disciples who gathered by the “Way of the Gate”. These had been set free from the island powers, by giving themselves to the mighty power of Jesus. Miracles were seen among them - one by one they told of the power of Jesus that had healed their lives. Old burdens were taken away, broken hearts healed, entangling sins stripped free.

The surprising impact of this band of believers in their city was the result of their imitation of the earliest Christians. Like the believers of old, they too gathered to DISCOVER God’s truth in worship and the study of His word, choosing to obey their Lord however He directed. (during those seasons strange utterances were given by the Mystic McRaild, often translated for all into English! Aaron, he of the strange hair, also spoke God’s word to all who would hear…) many others shared in the joy of DISCOVERING.

They often CONNECTED with one another in homes and places of food service. In these gatherings they shared and cared for one another tarrying often. (often they could be found drinking a strange brew known as ‘cough-he’ - a certain tavern called St. Arbux was popular, though some of the lesser classes drank at Tim-Hees!).

These believers would also gladly SERVE their master Jesus by generously giving their time, talents and treasures to His cause. Those in need, both near and far were touched by their sacrificial gifts.

Some considered them fools, yet they believed that God could change their city if they would work with Him to REACH their friends, family and neighbors with the good news of Jesus.

In this way many who came to that city were cheered and changed with the news of God’s love.

ARE THERE PROOFS FOR GOD....???

At Gateway Church in Victoria Canada we have been looking at FAQ's - questions that need answers. Over the next few posts I'll give some of the info we have looked at.

A. Four Reasons to ask the Question:
1. Personal Pain - Woman loses a child - where was God?
2. Natural Disasters - Haiti -Turkey - Chile
3. New Atheists Certainly throw doubt on this:

Richard Dawkins: The God Delusion
One of the things that is wrong with religion is that it teaches us to be satisfied with answers which are not really answers at all.

Daniel Dennett, Darwin's Dangerous Idea, p. 18
The kindly God who lovingly fashioned each and every one of us and sprinkled the sky with shining stars for our delight -- that God is, like Santa Claus, a myth of childhood, not anything a sane, undeluded adult could literally believe in. That God must either be turned into a symbol for something less concrete or abandoned altogether

Christopher Hitchens (God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything)
"Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with."

4. Our Cultural Climate :
Victoria has questions: National Census: “No Religion” - Canada 20% - Victoria 42%

Certainty that God exists is more than a curious question - it is the basis of how we answer the great questions of existence:
o Where did I come from?
o Why am I here?
o Where is History headed?
o How can I know?

Grace enables our obedience and growth

The disobedient cannot believe; only the obedient believe."
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer (Discipleship)

Prayer Mountain at Gateway!

Last night in the pouring rain, gale force winds and near freezing temps we had some 30 men from Gateway turn out to pray over our city!! Way to go guys, I know that God is honored and the city is different because men would brave the elements to storm the heavens.

The bible says -
1 Timothy 2: 8 I desire then that(O) in every place the men should pray,(P) lifting(Q) holy hands without anger or quarreling

We are thrilled to see MEN taking up that challenge and know there is breakthrough coming at Gateway and in Victoria.

What is hard to beleive...

A friend who works in Africa sent me this today:
Brennan Manning says in his book, “The Furious Longing of God,” “the revolutionary thinking that God loves me as I am not as I should be requires radical rethinking and profound emotional adjustment...its easier to believe God exists than that God loves me.”

At Gateway Church in Victoria we are seeking to be a community of people that model this wonder.